When counseling children and adolescents, the treatment will often include collaboration with parents and caregivers to implement therapeutic strategies at home. A common complaint we hear from families is that their child has difficulty regulating their emotions and “acts out” in the house. With this post, we aim to outline tips caregivers can use with their children to manage these escalations and help support the therapeutic lessons they are learning in therapy. We also examine common statements from caregivers that can be counterproductive to de-escalation and provide alternatives that are more supportive and conducive to a therapeutic home environment.
De-Escalation Tips
An escalated caregiver will rarely de-escalate a child
If a child sees their parent dysregulated, it does not bring them a sense of calm or offer an opportunity for valuable reparative work between them. If you feel yourself becoming upset and unable to maintain a calm demeanor, it is ok to take space from the interaction. In fact, advocating to your child that you need some space / returning to the interaction when you are calm is a great skill to model.
Take a “Pause” before you respond
It is always a good idea to pause before you respond to your child. A pause allows you time to: process what your child is saying and/ or the behavior they are displaying, become aware of your own emotions, take a breath to help calm you down, and decide how to respond in an appropriate way.
Engage in active listening and show empathy
Kids will often yell and act out because they don’t feel “heard” by others. Before you give your perspective to your child during an escalation, ask for theirs first. You can do this by saying things like, “Hey, I can see you’re upset—can you tell me what’s going on?”. Even if you do not agree with what your child is telling you, it’s important to validate their feelings and seek to understand their perspective. This can be accomplished with statements like “It makes sense that you feel this way”, “I didn’t realize this has been hard for you”, “Can you tell me more about what you mean by that?”, and “Thank you for telling me/ thank you for being honest about this”.
Monitor your tone
Children are very sensitive to your tone and may pick up on the slightest difference before you do. If they sense you are frustrated or angry, they may follow your lead in the tone and emotions you project. Your tone should indicate that you are calm and open to having a conversation, almost as if an escalation is not occurring.
Give your child space when you need it, even if they are directly disrespectful to you
You can always circle back to things that were said during an escalation when both parties are calm. If you try to enact punishment during an escalation, it often makes the escalation worse. When your child says something disrespectful to you, prioritize de-escalation rather than addressing the comment immediately. It is also important to keep an escalation between the involved parties; this means that you want to remove other individuals from the room who are not involved in the conflict. Sometimes children can feel intimidated when multiple adults are trying to manage their behavior and de-escalate them, which can exacerbate the problem.
You do not need to be perfect
De-escalation skills can take lots of practice to build, and it takes time to understand what works well for your child. It is highly likely that you will not get it right the first few times, and everyone makes mistakes even with lots of practice. If you feel like you have said or done something you shouldn’t have towards your child, apologize and identify the things you are going to work on too. This models the skill for them and shows them that you care about their feelings.
Common Caregiver Mistakes and Alternatives
Mistake: telling your child to “calm down.”
This indicates to your child that you are more concerned with modifying their behavior than listening to their concerns.
Alternative: “Hey, can you tell me what’s going on?”, “Can you tell me what you’re feeling right now?”
Mistake: focusing on the problem behavior rather than what is behind the behavior; “This behavior is unacceptable.”
Once again, this indicates to your child that you are more concerned with modifying their actions than listening to them. This can lead to the child escalating further and continuing to engage in the problem behavior.
Alternative: direct the child to take some space, and/ or encourage them to utilize coping skills suggested by their therapist. You can circle back to addressing the problem behavior when they are in a calmer frame of mind.
Mistake: “I can’t deal with this right now/ I give up.”
Hearing this statement from a caregiver can leave a child with a lot of shame. It may also send the message that “If mom/ dad/ grandma/ etc can’t handle me and my behavior, who can?”
Alternative: take some space for yourself if you are able, and let your child know that you will be back to talk to them after you’ve had some time to calm down.
Mistake: “You make me feel so mad/ tired/ annoyed/ etc”
It is unfair to place blame on your child for your emotions. This also demonstrates to your child that they can place blame on others for their negative emotions and the resulting behaviors.
Alternative: Using “I feel” and “I need” statements; “I feel _____ when _____. I need _____.”
Mistake: “What’s wrong with you?”, “Look at yourself right now” , “You’re being ridiculous.”
These statements only create shame within the child. Internalized negative feelings about themselves will most likely feed into additional outbursts in the future. Statements like these can also send the message that you are not in your child’s corner, making it difficult for them to seek you out for support in the future.
Alternatives: leave these statements out entirely!
PWC and Child/ Adolescent Therapy
If your child is currently seeing a therapist, don’t be afraid to ask for suggestions on what you can work on at home. Some caregivers also find it helpful to have sessions with their child’s therapist to get feedback on parenting skills.
If you’re observing challenging behavior in your child at home, it may be time to consider speaking to a counselor. At PWC, we have multiple therapists that see children and adolescents presenting a variety of clinical concerns. Send us an email at info@pausewellnesscenter.com to discuss your options today!